Glorious Bastards: Alien vs. Predator

Isn't this one of the worst posters ever?
Isn’t this one of the worst posters ever?

 

Welcome to a new series from CoF: Glorious Bastards. This collection will feature films that we see as bastardizations of their source material. These will be films that are based on previous IP or, in most cases, the diminishing return of franchise sequels. To kick things off, here’s a doozie…

 

Alien Vs. Predator is not a good movie. I don’t know anyone who would argue otherwise. However, what it lacks in quality, it makes up for in sheer bravado. It believes it’s great. It absolutely thinks it’s doing God’s work in “finally” bringing two all-time great characters together in battle. In that way, it truly is glorious.

 

It’s just too bad the humans get in the way.

 

If this movie was set on Predatoria(or whatever you would call the Predator home world) or even out in deep space like an Alien movie, this could of been something special. Something unique and truly the sum of it’s parts. Instead, it’s set in Antarctica. This setting is weird from the get go, if you know anything about the Predators. According to the two Predator films, heat is a major force in drawing them to our world. The other is conflict. Of course, you have to do away with this established canon with an awful retconning flashback…

The origins of the Alien were never really explored in previous works(but soon would be thanks to Prometheus, which is a discussion for a future column), so in order to make the plot they wrote into this film attempt to work, they are now the means by which the Predators train to become the universes best hunters. And, of course the do this on earth. Because…reasons?

 

All this said, there are a few moments of fun and I might even go so far as to say “entertaining.” It’s just too bad that those moments are few and far between. There’s always joy in seeing a Predator stalk his prey. But, making them somewhat chummy with us humans was a bit of a misfire. The final battle between the Queen and our hero Predator/human team was decent, but for my money, the best moment  of the film is this scene:

The promise of an Alien/Predator fight was realized right there. It’s too short, but really feels the like the moment they pitched when this thing got the greenlight. Ultimately, bringing these two franchises together, in this way, really cancelled out any greatness that could have been. Things would sink lower in the sequel, AVP: Requiem, and the less said about that, the better. Overall, you will find much more joy from the original Alien or Predator movies. Let us remember this as the glorious bastard that it is.

 

For the story on the chess game, click here.

JB Written by:

Joshua has been an avid fan of movies since he first saw Indiana Jones escape that rolling boulder and resoundingly punch Nazis to death. Forever wrestling with the notion of "why" in movies, he believes there is such a thing as "A Perfect Film."